The first time I was confronted by the multitudes of creation stories out there, it sort of shook me for a while. In middle school, I learned about the ziggurat temples in ancient Mesopotamia. It struck me how far back human history goes, and how many, many religions and creation stories there must be. The questions in your second paragraph— why this story and not others, why do we accept Jesus now and not wait to be sure?— the same questions went through my mind. I wonder what it would be like to grow up from a little age with a big, holistic understanding about what other people believe, while still having a good hold of my own beliefs.
Anyway. My creation story (of who I am today, at least) begins when I was eighteen, when my dad died. It was a threshold year. So many changes in my family: I also moved out and started college, oldest sister got married. Sometimes I get tired of finding myself reaching back to that year—sometimes I’m tired that it is grief that grounds me, especially when I don’t often really feel sad anymore—but I guess, like any creation story, there’s just a need to explain why things are the way they are, and to pick any other moment just doesn’t adequately explain it.
But, of course, I had a creation story BEFORE that, and one day I may have a different creation story that follows this one. To your point—or John’s— “It is always Now.” There is comfort in that.
Sarah, this is soooooo beautiful. First off, it must of been overwhelming to have such big questions in your heart at such a young age. Perhaps you've always naturally been very contemplative- pondering like Mary who was around middle school age when you she saw the whole of her world be challenged with big questions. As for your creation story: I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad at 18. That's a rough time to lose someone so significant and I suppose your sister's marriage was a different kind of loss. Plus losing childhood officially by going off to college. I'm not surprised that you're grounded by grief. I live in that space too. So I get it. It can be so tiring. But I think it's a very healthy thing that you can look back. So many people can't or refuse to, or maybe don't know how to. It seems like you do.
Thinking of what you wrote, my life so many different creation stories! As for my very first one: I am the oldest of six boys. I am also the only one of us six that was not born in a Naval hospital. My dad was out to sea, and my mom didn't want to give birth to her first child "alone", so she went home to be with her family. I was born where my mom comes from.
My parents were from different states. My dad wanted a pen pal to write to on his long cruises. My dad mentioned this to one of his best friends, who said he knew someone back home, and would ask if she was interested.
Wow Tony, not many of us have fathers who were out to sea. That's a pretty amazing story. And, your parents being pen pals first. It's funny that you mentioned pen pals, I'm an older gal and I remember being assigned one in school. It'd be nice to bring that back. Thanks for sharing your story. Oh also-- the oldest of 6! I bet you do have many creation stories.
I love that translation of John 1! I am 2nd generation on both sides - Ukrainian & Northern Irish. I was born blue in NYC with a hole in my heart, and somehow survived through various surgeries. I think facing death a time or two leads one to face life with a little more here and now. The surgeons fixed the physical hole in my heart; but the God shaped hole in me took a lttle longer to be filled. Life is ever expanding, evolving, moving in unexpected ways - and so like others here I have many creation and re-creation stories.
Dang, Cindy. That's a story! I'm curious about so much of it. I wondering about how your parents met and what it was like to have Ukrainian and Northern Irish heritage in your NYC home. But to be born blue is so poetic that I wasn't sure if you were using a metaphor until I read more. I'm so very glad that you are here with us! Really and truly. You're a miracle.
Thanks Marcie I'm glad I'm here too! Ha - I didn't think about being blue as a metaphor but there may be some truth there as well. My mom grew up upstate, went to Cornell, and was one of the first women to be trained as a buyer for women's clothing (men used to do all the clothes buying back in the 50s). She changed her name from Olga Mysliwczuk to Ollie Miles for her career. I think she met my dad at a party. They divorced when I was 3 and we moved to AZ, which was a brand new life. It is a true (and sad) realization that she was able to craft an entire new persona and do well despite her impoverished and abusive background because of her whiteness. Gulp.
My older brother and sister always told me that my brother prayed for a brother, and my sister prayed for a sister. They both got what they wanted! My mom had my brother and I, 2 minutes apart.
In middle school she casually mentioned that she wasn’t planning for more kids after the first two. She took expired birth control 4 years after her “last kid” and had twins. 😂
I just signed up for this, and I am reading this on Earth Day which is kind of lovely. Thank you for sharing your stories everyone! I am coming to terms with my own origin stories now--mid-life, and it is hard work. I grew up in a nuclear family in which I now realize many things were and are repressed. I thought I had a different origin story--that my family was very close and functional. I am not saying it was all bad; it wasn't. There was enough good there that I couldn't see the bad. I often feel like I should have dealt with this a long time ago, and I get angry that I haven't. Reading this, I am struck that there is no mention of anger or rushing in this creation story. I don't want to be angry about the creation process I am in right now. This is beautiful, thank you.
I'm intrigued by what you're saying about anger and rushing in regards to our creation story. You know, I love that the Genesis creation story includes "abysmal chaos" or darkness at the very beginning and the Spirit "hovers and broods" over that chaos. It's very a "both/and" story and far from being "this or that". It's "this and and". I suppose I've seen my creation story as "yes, this and also that". It's helped me to not have to hold only one aspect as sacred.
I’m finding it so difficult to answer this question and I struggle with writing a
Letter to my church as well. I have so
so many emotions rambling around lately and I’m not sure how to summarize them into words. I recently finished a wonderful series called In the Beginning given by pastor Cody Deese of Vinings Lake Church. And throughout the 13 messages on Genesis Chapters 1-3 I felt like I was hearing something that I already knew - It resonated with me as truth. The context contained a fullness and depth I’d never heard before. It was like coming into full knowledge and wonder and awe of the majesty that is in all of Gods creation. And hearing that my life is an invitation to participate in creation - with God! Without a doubt Cody Deese would be labeled a heretic by the church community that I’ve built my life around for the past 15 years. I wish truth didn’t stand in opposition to the theology Im supposed to believe in so often. My creation story is messy enough already and it’s starting to feel as though another chapter or two of mess is on it’s way. And it’s been painful. And shameful in many ways But right now I’m consumed by sadness and frustration. By powerlessness. I thought I knew where I belonged, finally. I prayed that God would break my heart for what breaks his and That he would use all of me - especially the mess. That prayer continues to push and pull and grow
me beyond the boundaries set by my community. Gods mercy and grace became tangible and words like love and forgiveness began to find definition and life.
I began to change. Even in the chaos and turbulence I felt settled and secure and warm and fuzzy. My life has purpose and meaning but.... I’m really good at ignoring those little Holy Spirit nudges from time to time. I used to be able to reason them away with false theology that would have me believe it’s my unbelief or lack of obedience or even Satan himself that’s doing the nudging and robbing me of peace. Deny deny deny and you can stay! But I knew, I know I have to go. And I have, sort of. I don’t attend that church anymore but I haven’t given any formal explanation. I work for a youth center teaching art under a director and board who live in the world of the
Christian right but I don’t want to quit my job. I keep trying to reconcile who these people truly are, what they represent with the friends I’ve shared my life with and have loved deeply, people who’s love has helped heal me and who taught me so much about God that is good and true. I want to keep them. The truth is that they wouldn’t want to keep me if I said aloud everything they know I believe.
Oh my gosh I want to just backspace and erase this crazy rant! I apologize if none of it makes any sense. If I go back and critique I’ll edit then delete so I’m pushing post now. Thank you Marci.
Oh my goodness Nancy, I'm soooooo glad you didn't erase this. And I'm sorry that you're feeling consumed with sadness and frustration--but I totally get it and I've been there.
I know how you feel about the man who's teaching you found and connected to. I'm not familiar with him but I am consider Richard Rohr to be one of my mentors even though I don't know him. And he's often called a heretic. Also my old pastor wrote a beautiful book about near-death experiences and a popular Christian writer reviewed the book and dismissed it. It's funny how many Christian leaders spend a lot of time gatekeeping rather than asking questions. It's like they're fearful of our doubts. But Jesus wasn't fearful of Thomas doubts. He actually allowed Thomas to touch his wounds and see for himself. I can't think of a more intimate experience.
One thing I can say about in a Christian space with others who may not believe as I do is that I've needed that space in order to see that even though a person who is christian might vote differently than me or pray differently than me or maybe even not understand where I'm coming from - I can at least see that they are just as human as I am and trying to hold onto God like I am. Perhaps they're more close-fisted than I am but from their perspective I'm the one who's close-fisted. I've always maintained that I will be myself no matter what space and have relationships with anyone who is willing to be open to that. Some have walked away from the relationship or written me off as being "unsaved". But I can't control that. And, they did the same to Jesus.
Thanks Marci. For giving so generously of your time and responding to my post. ❤️
btw, do you think they have an “unsaved” button they push like the “that was easy” button from staples? The notion of it cracks me up - maybe I’m just tired. 😎
I rededicated my life in my mid 20s and I thought that would be it. But at 40 I found myself pregnant again with a baby that has Trisomy 18 and a hole in her heart. God has a special way of doing His work in us. I was recreated again in 2020/2021 at 41. You don’t know your God-given strength, the abilities He blesses you with (I call them my superpowers), until you’re crushed and rebuilt. God knows I’m a scientist and investigator at heart. He will wake me at 3am to search scriptures for answers I didn’t realize had questions. But when I take time to think about it, some of the questions live in my subconscious. It’s a special place to be... in communion with God, being created. OAN: this really struck me... “the world was never mine to direct.“ I love that ✌🏽❤️💫
Nicole, your story is so beautiful and so is your writing (maybe you should consider writing 🤷🏾♀️. I'd read your work).
I pray every blessing over you and your family. I was recreated again twice in my 40s--a story for another day--and I remember late night and early morning nudges in my heart to rise and search. Everything you shared here is soooo good. thank you.
I love reading over these responses. It’s an ongoing thing for me and a part of my spiritual deconstruction that really began in my 20’s but did not get my intentional consent until my mid 30’s.
I grew up in a small, conservative, southern, church-school bubble that left not much room for questioning what I was told was the only way.
Then, as I watched the stories of other’s lives and choices play out around me, I started seeing the cracks and the holes of what I later found out was our humanity that can’t be neatly tucked away for the appearance of what is always good. I was led to believe you had better not let anyone catch you with a dirty house. Everything had a place and everyone had a role. We do not step outside of that.
I was told there were too many scary things in college and in “the world” that wanted to expose me to humanism and make me turn from God. But I always wanted more. I loved learning and exploring new things.
Imagine how much of a shock attending a public university in Philadelphia was for me and then going to work in a human services field and then in public education. (My first experience stepping foot into a public high school was in my 30’s when I became a teacher).
I started my deconstruction without intention but when I started paying attention, I started to see the holes and the doubting were not that scary. I started to question everything and embrace the very human nature that I was led to believe was my enemy.
My creation was realizing there is something bigger and more faithful than we could ever imagine and we are allowed to question that thing as we learn to lean into it. We are allowed to wrestle and to doubt and to allow others to see our messy house. I think of my own “creation” as starting with the point of setting all the doctrine and rules down and being honest that I no longer knew what to do with it. It didn’t fit anymore. My relationship with God is my most treasured thing and I know it’s because I’ve allowed my faith to be vulnerable and it continues to be as I move through learning.
It's so funny to hear your story and to know you today. I mean, I've heard parts of this story before but I'm always so surprised because it's like you came into the world so wide open to receive so many different experiences. I love how you've molded your origin story to flow into a new way of expression. I think you might be an expert at this.
My bedtime stories as a child were the myths of Ancient Greece, so from childhood I knew there were other creation stories. My origin story was birthed out of coming to believe in the person of Jesus for myself and understanding that I wanted to be good, like him. Although my faith has matured and my relationship with Christ has deepened, when it’s all said and done, I want to please him; I want to be good.
I’m going to think about that question.
I would love to hear those thoughts when you have them.
The first time I was confronted by the multitudes of creation stories out there, it sort of shook me for a while. In middle school, I learned about the ziggurat temples in ancient Mesopotamia. It struck me how far back human history goes, and how many, many religions and creation stories there must be. The questions in your second paragraph— why this story and not others, why do we accept Jesus now and not wait to be sure?— the same questions went through my mind. I wonder what it would be like to grow up from a little age with a big, holistic understanding about what other people believe, while still having a good hold of my own beliefs.
Anyway. My creation story (of who I am today, at least) begins when I was eighteen, when my dad died. It was a threshold year. So many changes in my family: I also moved out and started college, oldest sister got married. Sometimes I get tired of finding myself reaching back to that year—sometimes I’m tired that it is grief that grounds me, especially when I don’t often really feel sad anymore—but I guess, like any creation story, there’s just a need to explain why things are the way they are, and to pick any other moment just doesn’t adequately explain it.
But, of course, I had a creation story BEFORE that, and one day I may have a different creation story that follows this one. To your point—or John’s— “It is always Now.” There is comfort in that.
Sarah, this is soooooo beautiful. First off, it must of been overwhelming to have such big questions in your heart at such a young age. Perhaps you've always naturally been very contemplative- pondering like Mary who was around middle school age when you she saw the whole of her world be challenged with big questions. As for your creation story: I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad at 18. That's a rough time to lose someone so significant and I suppose your sister's marriage was a different kind of loss. Plus losing childhood officially by going off to college. I'm not surprised that you're grounded by grief. I live in that space too. So I get it. It can be so tiring. But I think it's a very healthy thing that you can look back. So many people can't or refuse to, or maybe don't know how to. It seems like you do.
Thanks, Marcie. The mystery of grief is confusing, but there's a lot of goodness within it and I'm so grateful to be able to look back.
Mary as a young teenager, I've thought about... but actually thinking about her as "middle school age"... Now that's something else! <3
Thinking of what you wrote, my life so many different creation stories! As for my very first one: I am the oldest of six boys. I am also the only one of us six that was not born in a Naval hospital. My dad was out to sea, and my mom didn't want to give birth to her first child "alone", so she went home to be with her family. I was born where my mom comes from.
My parents were from different states. My dad wanted a pen pal to write to on his long cruises. My dad mentioned this to one of his best friends, who said he knew someone back home, and would ask if she was interested.
Wow Tony, not many of us have fathers who were out to sea. That's a pretty amazing story. And, your parents being pen pals first. It's funny that you mentioned pen pals, I'm an older gal and I remember being assigned one in school. It'd be nice to bring that back. Thanks for sharing your story. Oh also-- the oldest of 6! I bet you do have many creation stories.
I love that translation of John 1! I am 2nd generation on both sides - Ukrainian & Northern Irish. I was born blue in NYC with a hole in my heart, and somehow survived through various surgeries. I think facing death a time or two leads one to face life with a little more here and now. The surgeons fixed the physical hole in my heart; but the God shaped hole in me took a lttle longer to be filled. Life is ever expanding, evolving, moving in unexpected ways - and so like others here I have many creation and re-creation stories.
Dang, Cindy. That's a story! I'm curious about so much of it. I wondering about how your parents met and what it was like to have Ukrainian and Northern Irish heritage in your NYC home. But to be born blue is so poetic that I wasn't sure if you were using a metaphor until I read more. I'm so very glad that you are here with us! Really and truly. You're a miracle.
Thanks Marcie I'm glad I'm here too! Ha - I didn't think about being blue as a metaphor but there may be some truth there as well. My mom grew up upstate, went to Cornell, and was one of the first women to be trained as a buyer for women's clothing (men used to do all the clothes buying back in the 50s). She changed her name from Olga Mysliwczuk to Ollie Miles for her career. I think she met my dad at a party. They divorced when I was 3 and we moved to AZ, which was a brand new life. It is a true (and sad) realization that she was able to craft an entire new persona and do well despite her impoverished and abusive background because of her whiteness. Gulp.
My older brother and sister always told me that my brother prayed for a brother, and my sister prayed for a sister. They both got what they wanted! My mom had my brother and I, 2 minutes apart.
In middle school she casually mentioned that she wasn’t planning for more kids after the first two. She took expired birth control 4 years after her “last kid” and had twins. 😂
Wow Jerisa, you were prayed into the world by your sister. Love that story.
I just signed up for this, and I am reading this on Earth Day which is kind of lovely. Thank you for sharing your stories everyone! I am coming to terms with my own origin stories now--mid-life, and it is hard work. I grew up in a nuclear family in which I now realize many things were and are repressed. I thought I had a different origin story--that my family was very close and functional. I am not saying it was all bad; it wasn't. There was enough good there that I couldn't see the bad. I often feel like I should have dealt with this a long time ago, and I get angry that I haven't. Reading this, I am struck that there is no mention of anger or rushing in this creation story. I don't want to be angry about the creation process I am in right now. This is beautiful, thank you.
I'm intrigued by what you're saying about anger and rushing in regards to our creation story. You know, I love that the Genesis creation story includes "abysmal chaos" or darkness at the very beginning and the Spirit "hovers and broods" over that chaos. It's very a "both/and" story and far from being "this or that". It's "this and and". I suppose I've seen my creation story as "yes, this and also that". It's helped me to not have to hold only one aspect as sacred.
I’m finding it so difficult to answer this question and I struggle with writing a
Letter to my church as well. I have so
so many emotions rambling around lately and I’m not sure how to summarize them into words. I recently finished a wonderful series called In the Beginning given by pastor Cody Deese of Vinings Lake Church. And throughout the 13 messages on Genesis Chapters 1-3 I felt like I was hearing something that I already knew - It resonated with me as truth. The context contained a fullness and depth I’d never heard before. It was like coming into full knowledge and wonder and awe of the majesty that is in all of Gods creation. And hearing that my life is an invitation to participate in creation - with God! Without a doubt Cody Deese would be labeled a heretic by the church community that I’ve built my life around for the past 15 years. I wish truth didn’t stand in opposition to the theology Im supposed to believe in so often. My creation story is messy enough already and it’s starting to feel as though another chapter or two of mess is on it’s way. And it’s been painful. And shameful in many ways But right now I’m consumed by sadness and frustration. By powerlessness. I thought I knew where I belonged, finally. I prayed that God would break my heart for what breaks his and That he would use all of me - especially the mess. That prayer continues to push and pull and grow
me beyond the boundaries set by my community. Gods mercy and grace became tangible and words like love and forgiveness began to find definition and life.
I began to change. Even in the chaos and turbulence I felt settled and secure and warm and fuzzy. My life has purpose and meaning but.... I’m really good at ignoring those little Holy Spirit nudges from time to time. I used to be able to reason them away with false theology that would have me believe it’s my unbelief or lack of obedience or even Satan himself that’s doing the nudging and robbing me of peace. Deny deny deny and you can stay! But I knew, I know I have to go. And I have, sort of. I don’t attend that church anymore but I haven’t given any formal explanation. I work for a youth center teaching art under a director and board who live in the world of the
Christian right but I don’t want to quit my job. I keep trying to reconcile who these people truly are, what they represent with the friends I’ve shared my life with and have loved deeply, people who’s love has helped heal me and who taught me so much about God that is good and true. I want to keep them. The truth is that they wouldn’t want to keep me if I said aloud everything they know I believe.
Oh my gosh I want to just backspace and erase this crazy rant! I apologize if none of it makes any sense. If I go back and critique I’ll edit then delete so I’m pushing post now. Thank you Marci.
Oh my goodness Nancy, I'm soooooo glad you didn't erase this. And I'm sorry that you're feeling consumed with sadness and frustration--but I totally get it and I've been there.
I know how you feel about the man who's teaching you found and connected to. I'm not familiar with him but I am consider Richard Rohr to be one of my mentors even though I don't know him. And he's often called a heretic. Also my old pastor wrote a beautiful book about near-death experiences and a popular Christian writer reviewed the book and dismissed it. It's funny how many Christian leaders spend a lot of time gatekeeping rather than asking questions. It's like they're fearful of our doubts. But Jesus wasn't fearful of Thomas doubts. He actually allowed Thomas to touch his wounds and see for himself. I can't think of a more intimate experience.
One thing I can say about in a Christian space with others who may not believe as I do is that I've needed that space in order to see that even though a person who is christian might vote differently than me or pray differently than me or maybe even not understand where I'm coming from - I can at least see that they are just as human as I am and trying to hold onto God like I am. Perhaps they're more close-fisted than I am but from their perspective I'm the one who's close-fisted. I've always maintained that I will be myself no matter what space and have relationships with anyone who is willing to be open to that. Some have walked away from the relationship or written me off as being "unsaved". But I can't control that. And, they did the same to Jesus.
Thanks Marci. For giving so generously of your time and responding to my post. ❤️
btw, do you think they have an “unsaved” button they push like the “that was easy” button from staples? The notion of it cracks me up - maybe I’m just tired. 😎
Hahaha!!! What a picture!
I rededicated my life in my mid 20s and I thought that would be it. But at 40 I found myself pregnant again with a baby that has Trisomy 18 and a hole in her heart. God has a special way of doing His work in us. I was recreated again in 2020/2021 at 41. You don’t know your God-given strength, the abilities He blesses you with (I call them my superpowers), until you’re crushed and rebuilt. God knows I’m a scientist and investigator at heart. He will wake me at 3am to search scriptures for answers I didn’t realize had questions. But when I take time to think about it, some of the questions live in my subconscious. It’s a special place to be... in communion with God, being created. OAN: this really struck me... “the world was never mine to direct.“ I love that ✌🏽❤️💫
Nicole, your story is so beautiful and so is your writing (maybe you should consider writing 🤷🏾♀️. I'd read your work).
I pray every blessing over you and your family. I was recreated again twice in my 40s--a story for another day--and I remember late night and early morning nudges in my heart to rise and search. Everything you shared here is soooo good. thank you.
I love reading over these responses. It’s an ongoing thing for me and a part of my spiritual deconstruction that really began in my 20’s but did not get my intentional consent until my mid 30’s.
I grew up in a small, conservative, southern, church-school bubble that left not much room for questioning what I was told was the only way.
Then, as I watched the stories of other’s lives and choices play out around me, I started seeing the cracks and the holes of what I later found out was our humanity that can’t be neatly tucked away for the appearance of what is always good. I was led to believe you had better not let anyone catch you with a dirty house. Everything had a place and everyone had a role. We do not step outside of that.
I was told there were too many scary things in college and in “the world” that wanted to expose me to humanism and make me turn from God. But I always wanted more. I loved learning and exploring new things.
Imagine how much of a shock attending a public university in Philadelphia was for me and then going to work in a human services field and then in public education. (My first experience stepping foot into a public high school was in my 30’s when I became a teacher).
I started my deconstruction without intention but when I started paying attention, I started to see the holes and the doubting were not that scary. I started to question everything and embrace the very human nature that I was led to believe was my enemy.
My creation was realizing there is something bigger and more faithful than we could ever imagine and we are allowed to question that thing as we learn to lean into it. We are allowed to wrestle and to doubt and to allow others to see our messy house. I think of my own “creation” as starting with the point of setting all the doctrine and rules down and being honest that I no longer knew what to do with it. It didn’t fit anymore. My relationship with God is my most treasured thing and I know it’s because I’ve allowed my faith to be vulnerable and it continues to be as I move through learning.
It's so funny to hear your story and to know you today. I mean, I've heard parts of this story before but I'm always so surprised because it's like you came into the world so wide open to receive so many different experiences. I love how you've molded your origin story to flow into a new way of expression. I think you might be an expert at this.
Thank you. There are so many layers :)
My bedtime stories as a child were the myths of Ancient Greece, so from childhood I knew there were other creation stories. My origin story was birthed out of coming to believe in the person of Jesus for myself and understanding that I wanted to be good, like him. Although my faith has matured and my relationship with Christ has deepened, when it’s all said and done, I want to please him; I want to be good.
what a rich cultural imagination you were given as a child!