Oh Marcie, I can’t even begin to explain how much I relate to this. It’s all such uncharted territory, the mental illness aspect, and to have your kid be an adult and not be able to do what you could have before is just beyond frustrating. I’ve been on this journey with both of my daughters for 20 years. My mama’s heart is with yours. ❤️
Wow. I really want to say something profound, but I don't know where to begin. I will say that your words took me back in time instantly. I remember the wonder and the shock of bringing our kid home with no real assurances. No solid clarity. No instructions.
Though I'm on the west coast, I'm sitting with you in spirit while you share your precious life with us, your readers. I'm listening to your current reality and storing what I can in my heart. I'm learning. I'm praying. I'm hoping each day you'll feel supported and loved (and that Max will too). Thank you for gifting us with your precious words, Marcie.
I just had a conversation in passing last night at the end of a fun dinner, just a little "how is _____" and the next thing I know, all three of us are revealing the absolute helpless terror of supporting our children through mental health crisis. One of those women? Is a doctor. Not a mental health professional, but a doctor. It was so sobering to realize there are so MANY of us fumbling down this path, none of us know what to do, and we gasping for light, for directions, for instructions, for HELP.
Life is so surreal when it's slowed down to, as you wrote - inhale, exhale, keep breathing. One moment to the next.
The comparison to those newborn days is so painfully accurate. Thank you for writing from where you are right now. I wish there was some way I could help but please know, I'm holding you so close in my heart tonight.
Oh, Marcie… I am a pediatrician. Jaundice? Yeah. Happens all the time, and, thankfully, mostly easy to treat/fix. Mental health struggles? More and more and more and more… and NEVER easy.
I’ve been a parent in some fashion (I am a bonus mom, bio mom, and adoptive mom) for 23+ years. I’ve been practicing pediatrics for 25+ years, and it is a practice.
It took me a good long time to cultivate the professional distance necessary to sleep well at night, to not be constantly worried over some child/patient, whatever the reason/diagnosis. Still, some nights sleep just won’t come, usually over a kid with scary mental health stuff going on.
I'm going to send some resources that you've probably got, but I'll send what I can, drawing from my queer friends and their parents and me. Ok. That's me, Janet the carer speaking. Had to get the adrenal response out first. Sorry.
Now I'm just going to sit. And exhale.
I'm not the parent, yet I've sat in too many rooms and held their hands. I've rung Jo's parents, heart in my mouth, to tell them where she is & I know why they hate me sometimes as Jo's next of kin.
Can you give Max a hug for me, if they can bear being touched, & let them know there's some queer aunties right here & when they're ready anytime we can listen.
Marcie, there's no pamphlet that can tell you what you already know, but I can tell you this: the cliff edge you're on has a much bigger safety net than you had growing up. That net is is crafted from your risk taking, your wisdom, your faith, your righteous anger & your creativity. All of us writing here, we are now woven in there, with all our love, our risk taking, our righteous anger, our faith and our support and creativity. We have to weave this path together.
I feel this. It's so hard wondering if my adult child will ever truly be happy and at peace. Walking this road with you and so many others, Marcie. Love to you and your family. 🦋
A note for all here today, from Richard Rohr. Context: I read a daily thought from the Centre of Action & Contemplation.
This thought on change - often brought by abrupt altering of our circumstances feels apt today. The last paragraph particularly. Feel free to read or pass over. 💜🙏💜
The word change normally refers to new beginnings. But the mystery of transformation more often happens not when something new begins, but when something old falls apart. The pain and chaos of something old falling apart invite the soul to listen at a deeper level, and sometimes force the soul to go to a new place. Most of us would never go to new places in any other way. The mystics use many words to describe this chaos: fire, dark night, death, emptiness, abandonment, trial, the Evil One. Whatever it is called, it does not feel good, and it does not feel like God.
We will normally do anything to keep the old thing from falling apart, yet this is when we need patience and guidance, and the freedom to let go instead of tightening our controls and certitudes. Perhaps Jesus is describing just this phenomenon when he says, “It is a narrow gate and a hard road that leads to life, and only a few find it” (Matthew 7:14). Not accidentally, he mentions this narrow gate and hard road right after teaching the Golden Rule. He knows how much “letting go” it takes to “treat others as you would like them to treat you” (Matthew 7:12).
Spiritual transformation always includes a disconcerting reorientation. It can either help people to find new meaning or it can cause people to close down and slowly turn bitter. The difference is determined precisely by the quality of our inner life, our practices, and our spirituality. Change happens, but transformation is always a process of letting go, and living in the confusing, shadowy, transitional space for a while. Eventually, we are spit up on a new and unexpected shore. We can see why Jonah in the belly of the whale is such an important figure for Jews, Christians, and Muslims.
In moments of insecurity and crisis, shoulds and oughts don’t really help. They just increase the shame, guilt, pressure, and likelihood of backsliding into unhealthy patterns. It’s the deep yeses that carry us through to the other side. It’s those deeper values we strongly support—such as equality and dignity for all—that allow us to wait it out. Or it’s someone in whom we absolutely believe and to whom we commit. In plain language, love wins out over guilt any day.
It is sad that we settle for the short-term effectiveness of shaming people and shutting them down, instead of the long-term life benefits of true transformation. But then, we are a culture of productivity and efficiency, not terribly patient or even open to growth. God is clearly much more patient—and, finally, much more effective, patiently supporting our inner transformation through all of life’s transitions.
I often felt this way with my mother; there are no manuals and little useful assistance for dealing with illness (mental or otherwise). I have felt this pain, and I feel it with you now. Praying for Grace to sustain your heart.
I love you, and I hear you. I have been where you are, twice. And I can tell you, just as when they were babies, you go with your gut, you love and protect, and never doubt that no one knows what their child needs more than their mother.
Dear friend, How I wish I lived in your area so I could bring you and Max some flowers and sit with you while we sip a hot beverage and pray. My mama heart aches alongside yours. I pray that you, Max, and those who love them will find some sort of peace...that the tightness in your chest will dissipate and y'all will feel safe to breathe again. In this tender time, may you find hope and security and gentleness.
I had a very similar situation with my daughter when she was 20. Medication for her mental illness was all trial and error. The same for counseling and psychotherapy. I wish I could say I didn’t make mistakes with how I handled her situation, but I made plenty. It’s the not knowing what to do. How to access resources, how to respond, how to ask for help……
We had some very dark days of unchartered territory. I attended meetings with other parents going through similar circumstances, which was very helpful.
I pray we can be a support to you and Max during the coming days. Like the others responding to you, I have been humbled by this disease. You are never alone ❤️
🫂🫂🫂
Thank you for articulating how fraught and frightening parenting can be. Holding you and yours in my heart.
Loving you and Max
Oh Marcie, I can’t even begin to explain how much I relate to this. It’s all such uncharted territory, the mental illness aspect, and to have your kid be an adult and not be able to do what you could have before is just beyond frustrating. I’ve been on this journey with both of my daughters for 20 years. My mama’s heart is with yours. ❤️
Wow. I really want to say something profound, but I don't know where to begin. I will say that your words took me back in time instantly. I remember the wonder and the shock of bringing our kid home with no real assurances. No solid clarity. No instructions.
Though I'm on the west coast, I'm sitting with you in spirit while you share your precious life with us, your readers. I'm listening to your current reality and storing what I can in my heart. I'm learning. I'm praying. I'm hoping each day you'll feel supported and loved (and that Max will too). Thank you for gifting us with your precious words, Marcie.
Life is so frightening. Everything important seems to come with a side of it. May all healing and care be on Max and your family.
Such a powerful statement...💜 to your family🙏🏼
I just had a conversation in passing last night at the end of a fun dinner, just a little "how is _____" and the next thing I know, all three of us are revealing the absolute helpless terror of supporting our children through mental health crisis. One of those women? Is a doctor. Not a mental health professional, but a doctor. It was so sobering to realize there are so MANY of us fumbling down this path, none of us know what to do, and we gasping for light, for directions, for instructions, for HELP.
Life is so surreal when it's slowed down to, as you wrote - inhale, exhale, keep breathing. One moment to the next.
The comparison to those newborn days is so painfully accurate. Thank you for writing from where you are right now. I wish there was some way I could help but please know, I'm holding you so close in my heart tonight.
Oh, Marcie… I am a pediatrician. Jaundice? Yeah. Happens all the time, and, thankfully, mostly easy to treat/fix. Mental health struggles? More and more and more and more… and NEVER easy.
I’ve been a parent in some fashion (I am a bonus mom, bio mom, and adoptive mom) for 23+ years. I’ve been practicing pediatrics for 25+ years, and it is a practice.
It took me a good long time to cultivate the professional distance necessary to sleep well at night, to not be constantly worried over some child/patient, whatever the reason/diagnosis. Still, some nights sleep just won’t come, usually over a kid with scary mental health stuff going on.
I get you. Praying peace over Max, and you.
The pamphlets are out of date anyway. 🤷🏼
I'm going to send some resources that you've probably got, but I'll send what I can, drawing from my queer friends and their parents and me. Ok. That's me, Janet the carer speaking. Had to get the adrenal response out first. Sorry.
Now I'm just going to sit. And exhale.
I'm not the parent, yet I've sat in too many rooms and held their hands. I've rung Jo's parents, heart in my mouth, to tell them where she is & I know why they hate me sometimes as Jo's next of kin.
Can you give Max a hug for me, if they can bear being touched, & let them know there's some queer aunties right here & when they're ready anytime we can listen.
Marcie, there's no pamphlet that can tell you what you already know, but I can tell you this: the cliff edge you're on has a much bigger safety net than you had growing up. That net is is crafted from your risk taking, your wisdom, your faith, your righteous anger & your creativity. All of us writing here, we are now woven in there, with all our love, our risk taking, our righteous anger, our faith and our support and creativity. We have to weave this path together.
Love you. 💜💜💜
I feel this. It's so hard wondering if my adult child will ever truly be happy and at peace. Walking this road with you and so many others, Marcie. Love to you and your family. 🦋
A note for all here today, from Richard Rohr. Context: I read a daily thought from the Centre of Action & Contemplation.
This thought on change - often brought by abrupt altering of our circumstances feels apt today. The last paragraph particularly. Feel free to read or pass over. 💜🙏💜
The word change normally refers to new beginnings. But the mystery of transformation more often happens not when something new begins, but when something old falls apart. The pain and chaos of something old falling apart invite the soul to listen at a deeper level, and sometimes force the soul to go to a new place. Most of us would never go to new places in any other way. The mystics use many words to describe this chaos: fire, dark night, death, emptiness, abandonment, trial, the Evil One. Whatever it is called, it does not feel good, and it does not feel like God.
We will normally do anything to keep the old thing from falling apart, yet this is when we need patience and guidance, and the freedom to let go instead of tightening our controls and certitudes. Perhaps Jesus is describing just this phenomenon when he says, “It is a narrow gate and a hard road that leads to life, and only a few find it” (Matthew 7:14). Not accidentally, he mentions this narrow gate and hard road right after teaching the Golden Rule. He knows how much “letting go” it takes to “treat others as you would like them to treat you” (Matthew 7:12).
Spiritual transformation always includes a disconcerting reorientation. It can either help people to find new meaning or it can cause people to close down and slowly turn bitter. The difference is determined precisely by the quality of our inner life, our practices, and our spirituality. Change happens, but transformation is always a process of letting go, and living in the confusing, shadowy, transitional space for a while. Eventually, we are spit up on a new and unexpected shore. We can see why Jonah in the belly of the whale is such an important figure for Jews, Christians, and Muslims.
In moments of insecurity and crisis, shoulds and oughts don’t really help. They just increase the shame, guilt, pressure, and likelihood of backsliding into unhealthy patterns. It’s the deep yeses that carry us through to the other side. It’s those deeper values we strongly support—such as equality and dignity for all—that allow us to wait it out. Or it’s someone in whom we absolutely believe and to whom we commit. In plain language, love wins out over guilt any day.
It is sad that we settle for the short-term effectiveness of shaming people and shutting them down, instead of the long-term life benefits of true transformation. But then, we are a culture of productivity and efficiency, not terribly patient or even open to growth. God is clearly much more patient—and, finally, much more effective, patiently supporting our inner transformation through all of life’s transitions.
I often felt this way with my mother; there are no manuals and little useful assistance for dealing with illness (mental or otherwise). I have felt this pain, and I feel it with you now. Praying for Grace to sustain your heart.
I love you, and I hear you. I have been where you are, twice. And I can tell you, just as when they were babies, you go with your gut, you love and protect, and never doubt that no one knows what their child needs more than their mother.
Dear friend, How I wish I lived in your area so I could bring you and Max some flowers and sit with you while we sip a hot beverage and pray. My mama heart aches alongside yours. I pray that you, Max, and those who love them will find some sort of peace...that the tightness in your chest will dissipate and y'all will feel safe to breathe again. In this tender time, may you find hope and security and gentleness.
I had a very similar situation with my daughter when she was 20. Medication for her mental illness was all trial and error. The same for counseling and psychotherapy. I wish I could say I didn’t make mistakes with how I handled her situation, but I made plenty. It’s the not knowing what to do. How to access resources, how to respond, how to ask for help……
We had some very dark days of unchartered territory. I attended meetings with other parents going through similar circumstances, which was very helpful.
I pray we can be a support to you and Max during the coming days. Like the others responding to you, I have been humbled by this disease. You are never alone ❤️